"It's only through writing that I've ever been able to suppress life's personal disappointments. When I can't write I feel anxious and out of sorts and am easily riled, though I'm usually able to control my emotions..."
- Pramoedya Ananta Toer (The Mute's Soliloquy: A Memoir)
["Hanya dengan menulis aku mampu menekan segala kekecewaan peribadi hidup. Bila aku tidak menulis, aku merasa cemas & tidak keruan serta mudah gusar, walau selalunya aku bisa mengawal emosiku..."]

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

KISAH SINGKAT KEMBARA JALANAN (BHG. 02)

Di dalam dompetnya hanya tinggal RM10. Manakala di dalam poket kanannya masih ada RM7.50, baki wang membeli tiket KTM di stesen Kuang tadi. Dia menoleh ke belakang, ke stesen KTM Kepong yang masih penuh berpenghuni dengan para penumpang yang tidak mahu berganjak.

Keyakinan mereka begitu rapuh biarpun pengumuman menjelaskan berkali-kali perkhidmatan tergendala untuk jangka waktu yang tidak dapat ditentukan. Perlukah terus menanti sesuatu yang tidak mampu diyakini? Lumrah manusia berhati lumpur, begitulah!

Biarpun Kepong yang dijejakinya kini terasa begitu asing, namun dia terus melangkah. Di hadapannya terbentang jambatan lebuhraya dengan di kiri-kanan tersedia tangga naik ke atas. Tanpa curiga dia terus mara ke tangga tersebut dan menuju ke kaki lima di bahu lebuhraya tersebut.

Jalan agak lengang dengan kenderaan dan nun di depan matanya kini boleh melihat samar-samar bayang menara KLCC. Ditoleh ke belakangnya, stesen KTM tadi kini jelas dari pandangan atas lebuhraya. Kelihatan keretapi seterusnya baru sahaja sampai menurunkan sejumlah lagi penumpang. Pelantar stesen Kepong semakin sesak dan mereka masih tidak berputus asa menanti yang belum pasti.

Dia hanya mampu menggelengkan kepala dan terus mara ke arah yang dirasakannya pasti. Kelihatan nun di depan mata seperti sebuah bangunan kompleks membeli-belah. Bagi logiknya di situ mungkin kedudukan terbaik mencari kenderaan awam lebih murah seperti bas. Mungkin... curiga yang pasti adalah satu keyakinan.

Dalam berjalan menuju ke destinasi yang dirasa logik, di kanannya tersergam rumah-rumah banglo berpagar mewah. Manakala di kirinya menyeberang lebuhraya ialah bangunan-bangunan kilang. Sememangnya ini sistem perumahan yang cukup asing baginya, pemandangan yang jarang dapat dilihat sepanjang 10 tahun dia menghuni kota KL. Benarlah kata-kata pedoman "Sejauh lubuk orang ingin diterokai, lubuk sendiri belum tentu semua sudah dijelajahi."

Perut tiba-tiba terasa lapar, maklumlah dari bangkit subuh dia belum bersarapan. Di sisi lebuhraya tersergam beberapa gerai makan, lalu dipilih yang paling hampir dengan pondok menunggu teksi. Mana tahu, mungkin nilai RM10 sebagai tambang teksi mampu membawanya ke destinasi yang dia lebih arif berkelana. Namun untuk sementara waktu, perut kosong perlu diisi dengan wang baki RM7.50 di poket kanannya.

Kelihatan beberapa pekerja kilang sedang menikmati sarapan mereka di situ. Dia tidak mengendahkan mereka lalu terus mencapai pinggan dan mencedok sendiri mee goreng berlaukan goreng berlada beberapa keping paru serta telur rebus. Selepas memesan Nescafé ais di kaunter minuman, dia terus menuju ke meja kosong berpayung di bahu lebuhraya. Sambil makan sambil mata melilau melihat kenderaan lalu-lalang. Jelas payah benar melihat kelibat perkhidmatan awam melintas terutamanya teksi, jika ada pun pasti berpenumpang.

::: Bersambung...

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

SAAT CINTA BERTUKAR KASIHAN

Kau yang kurindu
Tidak lagi menjengah pagiku
Membangkitkan sedar subuhku
Mengingatkanmu tika suria bersinar
Kerana cintaku bertukar kasihan…

Kau yang kurindu
Bukan lagi resah di hati
Impian mencintai lenyap sudah
Harapan indah kita bersama kian malap
Kerana cintaku bertukar kasihan…

Kau yang kurindu
Hanyalah impian semalam
Masih ku cinta namun tidak ku impi
Jiwa yang meronta kini jiwaku yang selesa
Kerana cintaku bertukar kasihan…

Kau yang ku rindu
Kau yang ku cinta
Kau tidak lagi yang ku rindu
Namun kau masih yang ku cinta
Kerana cintaku bertukar kasihan…


Bila kita ditakdirkan untuk jatuh cinta, perasaan tu akan membuatkan kita lebih bersemangat dalam menghadapi hari² mendatang. Namun apabila perasaan itu tidak bisa terluahkan kerana ia mungkin bertentangan dengan falsafah hidup masing², maka untuk mengikis perasaan itu adalah pengorbanan yang tidak bernilai kerana diakhirnya... ia satu perbuatan yang sia². Namun jika kita dapat mengikis sekurang-kurangnya harapan ingin bersama kepada nilai kasihan sesama insan, insya-Allah wajah dia akan bertukar kepada wajah insan lain apabila subuh menjelma. Biarpun lambat untuk mendidik perasaan itu namun saat kasihan itu muncul, bahagia baru pasti menjelma... ^_^

Rujukan teman:
http://youcannotreadthis.blogspot.com/2010/02/stop-missing-person-who-doesnt-miss-you.html

KISAH SINGKAT KEMBARA JALANAN (BHG. 01)

Pagi ini perkhidmatan Keretapi Tanah Melayu (KTM) mengalami masalah yang tidak dapat dielakkan. Dia tiba di stesen Kuang dihantar oleh seorang insan yang baik hati mengizinkannya menginap di rumah semalam. Namun pagi ini dia terpaksa meneruskan perjalanan... perjalanan yang tidak pasti.

"Harap maklum, Keretapi Tanah Melayu memohon maaf atas kesulitan perkhidmatan tergendala yang tidak dapat dielakkan berpunca dari terminal induk KL. Kami masih belum dapat mengesahkan waktu perjalanan yang sahih..."

Dia tidak perlu mendengar pengumuman seterusnya. Baginya, hidup ini sudah terlalu banyak yang tergendala. Semuanya kerana mereka gilakan wang, harta dan kuasa hingga sanggup menghancurkan hidup orang lain. Seperti arwah ibunya yang meninggal dunia membawa barah hati menanggung penderitaan diabaikan suami demi kemewahan duniawi. Manakala dia ditinggalkan sebatang kara menghadapi manusia-manusia seumpama itu. Sungguh menjengkelkan!

"... kepada para penumpang harap maklum, perkhidmatan keretapi ini hanya sampai di stesen Kepong sahaja. Untuk perjalanan seterusnya, anda diminta menggunakan alternatif lain untuk ke destinasi yang anda tujui."

Kepong? Nama daerah itu cukup biasa dipendengarannya. Selain mengingatkan dirinya kepada filem perang box-office Malaysia di era 80-an berjudul 'Bukit Kepong', ia juga mengimbau kisah tempat dia dibesarkan. Namun ini Kepong di kota lumpur... Kuala Lumpur, biasa didengar namun tidak pernah dijejaki, apatah lagi turun dari stesen KTM Kepong yang cukup asing dipandangannya.

Di stesen Kepong, pengumuman semua penumpang diminta keluar dari gerabak menerjah pelbagai jenis keluhan dari bibir-bibir mereka. Bagi dirinya itu semua keluhan sengaja, keluhan mengada-ngada. Bukannya mereka tidak tahu masalah yang sedang berlaku ketika ini, namun mereka tetap sengaja melemparkan keluhan itu. Apatah lagi jika pengumuman itu diulang berkali-kali hingga wajar untuk dia mengeluh untuk itu. Manusia di kota yang majoritinya berpura-pura untuk pencarian yang tidak pasti, seperti berpura-puranya mereka ketika mengeluh. Dia rimas dalam kelompok ini dan dia harus beredar segera!

Tanpa lengah dia menuruni tangga meninggalkan stesen KTM Kepong yang semakin sesak dengan penumpang, mereka yang tidak mahu berganjak dan terus setia menanti perkhidmatan KTM berfungsi seperti biasa. Ya, setia dalam keluhan mereka, setia dalam benci mereka, setia dalam penipuan mereka... lumrah manusia berhati lumpur. Dia tidak tahan dan dia harus terus meninggalkan mereka sebelum hatinya terpalit lumpur mereka.

::: Bersambung...

Thursday, June 3, 2010

BILA AKU DERITA RINDU

Bila aku derita rindu
Jiwaku meronta,
Nafasku sesak,
Nadiku berganda,
Pintaku cuma satu...
Ingin bersamanya.

Bila aku derita rindu,
Tidurku tak nyenyak,
Mandiku tak basah,
Wangiku tak terhidu,
Pintaku cuma satu...
Ingin bersamanya.

Bila aku derita rindu,
Rindu lama terhapus,
Cinta lama terkubur,
Kasih baru menguntum,
Pintaku cuma satu...
Ingin bersamanya.

Terus aku derita rindu,
Jika itu hanya aku,
Kala derita hanya aku,
Bila terus aku merindu...
Ingin bersamanya.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

IMMATURE TYPE OF MATURE... I'M NOT YOUR BEST AFTER ALL

It’s very funny when they are still looking at me like I’m such a proud type of guy with big ego & eager to show off my achievements to others. Though I’d been very humble for all those years in the industry, yet still they thought I’m a swank for being THE BEST.

Even now when I’ve already resigned from my so call ‘THE BEST’ position, these people still hang on to me with such ‘daring’ compliment. Sometimes it really gets into my nerve that makes me feel like I want to smack their face. I’m human too you know & I do have anger!

I really don’t mind if you're saying “You’re the best dude” & I can sense honesty in your tone, but sadly, they said ‘You’re the best dude” but the tone sounded like “As if!”. Seriously if you don’t really mean it, please don’t say it! or I'll be taking the same familiarity to your bastard attitude. At the end of the day, I’ll forgive but…

“They never forget that I’m still THE BEST to them.”

I’m not sure if these people really can change to be nice because most of them with this kind of attitude are older people; those whom we thought has considerably matured to tackle emotional matter like jealously, irritation & social misbehavior with rational but they are the…

‘IMMATURE TYPE OF MATURE’

Funny part is this so called ‘mature-minded’ beings will simply tend to do this to THE BEST people with envy. Responds usually get in my nerve at wreck are:

“Sorry, I don’t read your stuff!”
Again & again I met with these types of people who keep using the same dialogue, especially when I asked them to understand me by reading my material either on papers, blogs or whatever source related. At the beginning I was quite disturbed by such respond. But then it kept me wonder, how come they praised me to be THE BEST but they don’t follow my work? Are they pretend of knowing me just because somebody else think I'm THE BEST?!

Thing is:
No wonder they are irritated of me for being THE BEST, because they are being haunted by my achievements for the reason they don’t really understand. Maybe they wished they should have done that before me. Too bad!

“You think you’re so good?”
This respond came to me whenever I gave my suggestions, ideas or solutions in order to give the optimum ideas in the discussion. Funny part was I didn’t intend for them to really use what I gave to them because my purpose was to carry my responsibility for being invited as a part of the discussion. Because I don’t really go to any discussion if I’m not invited or even ask to attend (I rather be on my own!). So, what was these people problem?!

Thing is:
They are having issues with me who they thought is THE BEST which might cause a rack to their reputation as someone much older or should be considered mature than me. It’s like “Who’s the boss?! Me!” Thing is even James Cameron listen to the young in order to make a very successful movie of a life time such as ‘AVATAR’. Do you? I do! Because I play along & read their works always, do you? No, I believe you don’t & if you do, you should have not saying I’m THE BEST the other way around, dope! Plus, I don’t think you have the guts to read this journal’s every line with pleasure, right? My pleasure!

“Come on, don’t play nice okay!”
I maybe do silly & naughty jokes with my friends but I’m a nice person so I know my limit. I don’t simply call people bitch, bastard, pig etc. in public but personally I did though mostly never. More else this kind of respond usually I will get from people who try to rack me from being the best by digging my sexual activity. When I said “I don’t speak of my sexual intercourse in the office or during at work or even with my closest friends.” So they replied “Come on, we all grown up okay!” Then when I still refused so there went that dialogue right on my face!

Thing is:
Knowing me their BEST they also wonder if I’m also THE BEST on bed! But what they didn’t understand when I tend not to share such experience was because they’re not THE BEST to be with me on bed. So can’t they just understand that? D’oh! One more thing… maybe they are lack of perfect sex! Booo!

IT'S A WRAP:
There are more exactly to this ‘IMMATURE TYPE OF MATURE’ but only the real mature knows what’s more than these. So my point is I’m not their BEST after all & I intend to keep myself that way for the people I don’t think is THE BEST in order for me to keep them at BEST. These people are the kind of people who meant to spice up our life as clowns dress up like normal people. They try not to be A JOKER but yet they hardly realize they already are; A JOKE!

Monday, May 31, 2010

OH MY, FORGIVE ME...

Oh my…
You’re such a perfect being,
Your good look mesmerizes me,
Your charm amazes me,
Your figure makes me want to do you,
But you are just not right for me.

Oh my…
You’re such a perfect being,
Your voice freezes me whenever you speak,
Your every word just feels so right to my ears,
Your sound melts me even when it seems so wrong,
You have a natural audio that makes me mourn,
But you are just not right for me.

Oh my…
You’re such a perfect being,
Everywhere I turn reminds me of you,
I wake up in the morning it’s all about you,
Before I go to sleep it’s you I want to dream,
Hang in at home I wish you are here,
Hang out with friends it’s you I want more,
I don’t want to miss a thing about you,
But you are just not right for me.

Oh my…
You’re such a perfect being,
But you are just not perfect to be with me,
Forgive me for dreaming of you…
My friend

AKU BUKAN BINTANGMU...

Aku berkerdip kala disinari cahaya semesta,
namun bukan untukmu,
Tinggiku jauh nun di langit tinggi,
Namun tidak sejauh aku denganmu.

Aku bukan bintangmu…
Kerana aku adalah cintamu.

Tempatku dekat di hatimu,
Tidak ku perlu kerdip sinar semesta,
Kerana kilauan ku sentiasa di sisimu,
Ingatlah sayang…
Aku bukan bintangmu.

Friday, May 28, 2010

YOU, ME AND HER...

I knew we had it,
I know now that I have it,
I didn't know she had been with me,
I do know I have been with you ever since.

I love you when others thought I love her,
I love you no matter what they say it is her,
I love you more the more I thought of her,
I love you every second when my heart beats for her.

Someone told me you are not meant for me,
While others told me she meant so much for me,
But everybody thinks I should stop hoping for you,
Because all the eyes see how perfect I am with her.

My darling,
This is the moment you have to say it,
Say you love me before my love turns to her,
Say you love me after I apologize to her,
Say my love before your heart turns cold with me.

A day is like a year without you saying a word to me,
A year passes like a day whenever she is around me,
A lifetime feels like forever hoping you will come to me,
Forever is like never waiting for her to love me.

My love,
Don’t wait till the moment I have to say…
I love you forever but it is her who loves me a lifetime,
I love you endlessly but she who pronounces it to me,
I do love you but if she who says I love you before you,
Let bygones be bygones for our love will never gone.
You and her, near or far…
Two of a kind…
I LOVE YOU.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

I AM BACK TO BASIC

To all my dearest friends & fans,

Since I was very young until I passed my teenage years, drawing comic has become my very close friend to express my feeling, thought & loneliness. Then when I started a career in Malaysia Comic Industry, comic has become something more than just personal to me—it has become my only source of income that’s involved business. But the beginning of my career in the industry didn’t turned out as I expected, instead of being a comic artist I’ve become a writer for the industry itself. My job mainly focuses on my editorial skill to speak accordingly about the comic industry, from local to global. Yet I still have my chance to draw comic as a freelancer but it didn’t do any good as I grow wiser; my strength, purpose & will drained out as my energy started to weaken because of multiple tasks I had to commit for the industry in such a way.

After my late mother was diagnosed cancer final stage early September 2009, my purpose to move on doing what I do best meant nothing anymore & all I ever wanted was an escape. She was the first reason why I didn’t break down heavily throughout the years of my multi-tasking career. Yet when I found out behind her back that she had cancer stage 4, I was nothing but empty. I locked myself in my room for a day felt totally blank.

Money was never my first worry in life because she always reminded me not to be afraid of it because with your strength, money we can conquer. But it was a total loneliness what I was afraid of! Because so far in my life, the only person I would call for no reason was her. The only person I would worry if the phone was not picked up was her. The only person I was not ashamed to be pampered was her & the reason for who I am as how you know of me today, was her. All of sudden, she gone too soon & no way I could communicate with her anymore through phone or face to face.

Since little my life is all about have fun with life while reaching for my dream & I had 2 dreams; first a dream that I wish to be & second a dream I wish not to be. Now I’ve completely got both of the dreams; a dream to be acceptable in the Malaysia Comic Industry & totally alone walking this earth without someone my heart can count intimately personal.

Still NO REGRET, we are not alone & I am not alone because I still have friends around, offline or online. But most importantly I still have myself who is able to let go of my ego, especially during my crucial financial instability. As my late mother used to say to me, with my strength, money we can conquer. So I will let my strength judge my will to survive & by doing so, I’m going back to my close friend—drawing comic, a strength that has been in me since I was little.

All I need now is patience & courage, so if you find me running slower than you’ve ever seen me running for the past 10 years in the industry, it is because I am testing my patience & courage. If 10 years ago I start in the industry as ‘THE RIGHT KIND OF WRONG’ personality, now I want to restart again for being ‘THE WRONG KIND OF RIGHT’… as a freelance comic artist begin with no other than GEMPAK STARZ™, one place I can never surrender.

Thank you for the past 10 years & forward… ^_^

"DUDE... AM I GAY?!"

During my crucial moments faced my mother's death, FACEBOOK had been my closest friend & without doubt everyone in it, now & then. As gratitude over such a unique friendship networking system, I've decided to place my personal comic strips to be enjoyed by my friends in my FACEBOOK. Something I call as my 'MOTIVATION JUNKY' in drawing comic. ^_^

Sunday, May 9, 2010

I AM MY MOTHER’S PEARL


Since my mother passed away, everything she told me to be aware of finally surfaced and my moment to really resemble her favorite gemstone should have started once she took her final breath. But I didn’t remember me as my mother’s pearl, not until last Friday night (7th May 2010) when I won a pearl necklace from Rafflesia worth RM1000 in lucky draw contest during Media Prima Costume Party at Dorsett Hotel. It didn’t take second for me to be reminded of my mother when the lady who handed me the gift said “Hadiahkan kat mak sempena Hari Ibu (Give it to your mom for Mother’s Day).” as I said nothing on reply. Then followed by a performance of media group sang a song titled ‘Pergi’, dedicated to our love one who just passed away. It was hard for me to hold my tears so I made an excuse to go for a smoke when exactly I cried unashamedly somewhere no one can obviously see.

Me and my mother, we never really celebrated special occasions such as Mother’s Day or even birthday. Our best occasion would be when we got to spend some moment together arguing over silly matters. She said I was her best argue partner which I took it seriously offensive until I grew up and kept arguing with my first love over silly matters too. But at the end of the day, the cause of the argument was blamed on me and they would smile and love me even more… which left me clueless. Again my mother would look at me and said Tak dapat beli mutiara tulen pun takperlah, mutiara sorang ni pun dah cukup berharga (I don’t mind if I can’t afford to buy pure pearl, this one pearl is more than valuable).”

My mother really fancied pearl more than any other gemstone because she said it resembles me, her only child. Though the fact was she already fancied pearl before even I was born, so I guess my birth was the day she had the most valuable pearl ever exist in the world. She told me, when I came out I didn’t even cry until later (cried to be breastfed) and my skin was silky white just like a pearl. I thought diamond or any other sparkling gemstones was woman’s best friend, so my mother’s taste over pearls became my cynical joke whenever she wore those fake white bubbles as her necklace. Because during that time none of us could afford to buy pure pearl and some more it was hard to really find certified pure pearl.

When my father was taken away from her in 2004 by step family, my life was all about her for me to thoroughly understand as how I had to understand her decision to take care of her dementia husband years before. With me when it came to her making decision, no matter what was the argument I just had to obey or else I would end up feeling guilty. Especially when her decision came right after she being turn down by her own political movement over betrayal from a family she trusted most. But her decision to have my father stayed with us was my biggest fear in life because that was the moment I would be on my own.

My mother’s love for my father always something I could never understand even after she passed away. Because of him I felt like I am not totally loved by my mother, as compared to him, I was always with her and gave myself to be unfairly treated in order to relieve her pain. Which there were times during my childhood, made me wonder if I was really her child or just an impression of her man?

But throughout my life, it was my mother who made me a pure pearl. Though how difficult I had to understand her, that difficulty has become my priority to make her proud so others could see that she was not a failure in raising a child. Even that child had to cross over muddy roads, fields full of human shits and a broken heart. I love my mother so much even throughout her life with me; we hardly spoke of anything personal but argument over other people’s perception over us. Sometimes I wondered if my mother really knew me or she just knew me as her precious pearl.
During her final months before she passed away, finally I opened up to her about matter I always wished she gave me the right answer. Something she knew all along yet she didn’t care to explain or made me understand how to live through it, even when I told her I was raped. Her replied was the same; my fault.

It didn’t occur to me why since my mother passed away, Rafflesia is not far from my view. I told my mother if I happened to fulfill my 10 years career target, I would buy her pearls from Rafflesia. For a woman who lived up her life adoring pearls, the existence of Rafflesia had become her attention to reach for at least a certified pearl.

Sadly she had to leave sooner for the pain she held in her is far greater than watching her precious pearl shine like pearls at Rafflesia. Now I know why all of sudden I received a chocolate cake from Rafflesia during I needed at least a simple beautiful surprise when everything around me seemed to ignore my pain. Then it didn’t end there when followed by a few clients invitation connected with the brand. Finally out of many prizes for lucky draw, Rafflesia necklace pearl is now in my keep. Though I never met with the Rafflesia’s owners or even have close relation with anyone there, I believe this is His way of telling me that my mother will always be my angel from a distance; as how she always while she was alive.

For Mother’s Day 2010, I would like to share with you who read this note to always look up to your mother like how she looks up to you, or else make her proud no matter how bad she treated you. Because a perfect mother holds much more fear in her than any of us as a child can imagine.

Throughout her life, I didn’t regret even one bit of our bad moments together or seeing leaving me so soon. Because at the end of her life, I know she had forgive me since she gave birth to me and I’d already told her never to worry about me because I am stronger than her. Yet I forgot to tell her during her last breath, I will always be your precious pearl like how grateful I am to have you as my pearl in the keep of my father’s heart. That was why she left me a poem mentioned how sometimes she hardly knew me because I was asking for question I should have known the answer… I AM A PEARL.