HATI YANG TERTINGGAL (02/03)

Pernah mereka bicara denganku lalu bertanya jika aku punya hati yang tertinggal. Sejenak aku termenung memikirkan maksudnya sebelum menyatakan tiada. Kelmarin persoalan itu kembali menyelusuri seluruh benak kefahamanku, menyedari bahawa ada hati yang tertinggal di diriku. Hati itu khuatir, tidak ku ketahui siapa yang punya, kerana aku masih tercari-cari pemiliknya. Di fikiranku sudah terbayangkan siapa dan nyata bukan yang berhak untuk dimiliki. Lalu aku pula bertanya pada diriku sendiri, bagaimana yang ku terfikirkan tidak lolos untuk menjadi pemiliknya? Sudahku terdaya memikirkan yang berhak namun mana mungkin aku terdaya untuk memaksa jika hakikatnya tidak berhak! Sangat kasihan hati itu, tertinggalnya tiada yang empunya...

HATI YANG TERTINGGAL (01/03)

Salahkah aku bila menarik diri daripada bersekutu denganmu kerana perasaan ini? Tidak salah pada pandanganku, kerana perasaan ini hanya ada padaku dan tiada di dirimu. Sudahku luahkan rasa itu kepadamu namun tiada jawapan sama ku terima. Justeru bagaimana aku perlu rasa bersalah? Aku sendiri tidak tahu jika kau juga menumpang rasa yang sama? Seeloknya usah kita bermasam muka kelak berjumpa jika ada jodohnya, anggap sahaja aku penggodamu yang jahil dan tegurku seperti peminatmu, bukan lebih daripada itu. Aku perlu keyakinan ini untuk meneruskan hidup tanpa dibelenggu rasa benci kepadamu... wahai hati yang tertinggal.

POTRAIT OF A PADAWAN

Every Generation Has A Legend.

Every Journey Has A First Step.

Every Saga Has A Beginning.

— 'Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace'

(written & directed by George Lucas)

PRACTICALLY I DON'T BUT LITERALLY I DO

It is all started with the idea of a headline 'Practically I don't but literally I do', but it took weeks for me to think of an idea of how to elaborate it into words & the relation is love. First of all, I can't think of a way how to begin my word so I begin it with honesty—in this first paragraph—literally a confession of my practical writing.

Friends had been asking me if I ever seriously involved in a love relationship. My answer is "I do!" & it's in the form of present tense so they should have known that I'm still in love. If they wonder "How long has it been?" so my answer will be "It has been more than 20 years—my first love at first sight. We were naturally in love during that every moment we'd been through; every song we heard, every move we made & every word we spoke is ours forever lives—even after we were apart."

I cannot lie to myself that when I'm in love with somebody else, means I'm in love with the first person I fell for. Every detail of how I fell in love with another person, at least the reason had been one or two quality I'd seen on my first.

A few friends advised me "Why look at the past when you can always see what's present?"

My answer would be & will be "We look at the past to value what's present. So when it comes to love I've experienced, it seems no less. You always want more than the less. So you'll know why I'm still in love with my first until now."

"But you can forgive & forget, right?"

"I can forgive but to forget, I don't think anyone can do that unless... (you know what I mean). So I was lucky when I was hit by amnesia back in 1997, I forgot almost all the details about my first & how it felt when we were in love, until I fell in love at first sight again with the second. The detail of how it felt has given back my old soul."

When you're amnesia, in a process of healing, every moment you're in or every person you've met, which or whom can unlock your old memories is consider a gift from heaven. Old friends who told story about your past are consider the angels of your life. So those who helps me to remember, directly or indirectly, will not be taken for granted & will always be in my remembrance—if I have the world today, they will be the first I celebrate. 

But sadly, nobody is able to replace my first love. The feeling & the memory I had with such love, I doubt it can be taken by anybody else. I've tried to believe when I fell in love in such a way again with a different person—the second, maybe the quality is far better than the first. But silly of me to believe love is all about quality, no it's not, exactly it's about memory—the moment of remembrance.

In the end what's left of me is just someone who is literally in love but practically single. Is there hope for another chance with someone new? I believe it is not me to hope for any others as my mind still can clearly picture the first person instead of the second. Though my heart flourishes with love for the second in memory of the first. So what's it going to be? Am I really in love? The answer to the question will be...

"Practically I don't but literally... I do!"

So it seemed with this writing & anything else. Joy to the world!

THROUGH THE LENS OF A WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER

Many years ago I was photographed as a 'runaway' model for a photography student during my degree years that accidently caught me (for not more than three months) in our local modelling industry. It was not a career I happened to like (... & I was not quite a 'sale' to my agency too! :P), but the experience at catwalk & photoshoot, I treasure it until today. Being a model (especially supermodel!), seriously not an easy job. The worse moment when you happened to work under a pain-in-the-ass photographer. I respect those who sustain their capability like forever! Yet I'm happy that I used to be taught how to play my mood on lens. So when a professional photographer suddenly approached me with his 'baby', I immediately striked a pose!

At 36 years old, put on weight, a few weeks off the beauty regime (lazy...), I consider my natural look does gave an advantage to the photographer. Haha! You can reach the photographer on Facebook.  

His name is Faris Zainal, a professional wedding photographer & he happens to be my neighbour. Soon to be a father, we first met on our neighbourhood's volleyball field. None of us knew each other's background until we slowly developed our social interaction as neighbours. As he found out I'm an icon for the Malaysia Comic Industry & I happened to realize he does have a great talent in photography, without doubt, being photographed by him is surely an honor to me.

As he is on plan to go fulltime as a professional photographer, with his Lumix GF1 & its lightbox, he caught me natural on lens & my face purely 'naked'! I mean... really 'sharp' on Friday The 13th or say... I need to start doing facial again. Haha!

AKAR FIKIRANMU

Demam panas Lusida tetap tidak pulih semenjak blog itu tidak dikemas-kini lebih seminggu lalu. Penulis blog tersebut yang menggelar dirinya 'Akar' tidak pernah gagal mengemas-kini blognya hampir setiap hari, paling lewat pun tiga hari. Namun lebih daripada tiga hari membuatkan hidup Lusida tidak keruan. Dia mungkin tidak kenal identiti sebenar Akar, namun hidup Lusida menjadi begitu bermakna semenjak wujudnya blog berjudul 'Akar Fikiranmu' itu. Setiap catatan Akar menjadikan hidup Lusida lebih bererti dan seolah Akar sudah menjadi sebahagian daripada fikirannya.

"Lusida, kau tak boleh terus begini. Aku kena bawa kau pulang kepada orang tuamu sebelum kesihatanmu semakin melarat." Ujar Nasua, teman sekolej juga sekuliahnya di fakulti sains pusat pengajian tinggi Universita Malaya Timur.

"Tidak! Aku akan terus berada di sini sehingga dia kembali mengemas-kini blognya!" Bantah Lusida sambil matanya sesekali memandang ke skrin monitor HD 21" jenama Lenovo yang kekal memaparkan laman blog 'Akar Fikiranmu'.

Nasua mendengus geram setiap kali melihat laman web tersebut. Sungguh tidak masuk akal bagaimana Lusida boleh menjadi begitu taksub dengan blog itu. Siapa Akar sebenarnya? Itu Nasua tidak pasti dan semestinya tidak langsung dikenali.

"Kenapa dia tak update blog dia lagi ya, Nasua?" Tanya Lusida sesekali terbatuk lemah.

"Ada aku peduli?! Aku lebih pedulikan mental kau ni! Pelik aku tengok ketaksuban kau dengan laman blog berpuaka Akar tu! Boleh kau jelaskan kenapa?!"

Lusida terdiam seketika. Tanpa banyak bicara dia segera menyeluk bawah bantal dan menghulurkan sekeping kertas berupa sekeping flyer.

"Flyer ini terselit dalam salah satu buku kuliahku setahun yang lalu. Kemudian aku cari maklumatnya di internet dan terus bersemuka dengan laman blognya. Semenjak itu, mengikuti setiap update-nya seolah sebahagian daripada hidupku, fikirannya adalah akar hidupku kini... "

"Kau memang dah mental-lah, Lusida! Elok aku hantar kau ke hospital sakit jiwa jer!" Bentak Nasua lantas meninggalkan rakannya itu sendirian melayan gilanya sendiri.

LOVE LIKE A GHOST

It took only a second...
That was all it takes for you to haunt me!

It took only a minute...
I've already scared for the rest of my life!

It took only an hour...
I just couldn't get you out of my mind forever!

It took only a day...
Not sure if I missed myself but I'm sure miss you!

It took only a month...
You're everywhere at every corner of my eyes!

It took only a year...
Life has become unreasonable with you in my mind but not at my side!

It takes me forever...
To get you into my life for real when you're just like a ghost who tries to claim something you seem just can't reach unless my soul you seek.

Therefore...
I don't mind being dead for knowing, that in the end, we're just another ghost story if that is all it takes for me to get you into my life for real! 

THIS IS MY STORY... IN ENGLISH

Saya juga asalnya budak kampung, dikelilingi oleh mereka yang langsung tidak pandai berbahasa Inggeris. Namun kerana iltizam saya ketika itu melihat bahasa Inggeris mampu membawa saya pergi jauh maka saya berusaha untuk menguasainya. Dengan berkat usaha serta tawakal, terbukti ia benar. Hari ini saya sudah boleh berpuashati setelah mengecapi apa yang saya rancangkan untuk diri sendiri sepanjang tempoh saya berkhidmat dalam Industri Komik Malaysia. Dengan fasih berbahasa Inggeris, saya telah diberi peluang mewakili Malaysia. Kerana mampu menulis dalam bahasa Inggeris saya telah diberi kepercayaan menulis artikel kebudayaan komik di Malaysia untuk negara Korea Selatan. Kebolehan berkomunikasi dalam bahasa Inggeris juga menjadi punca saya diberi kepercayaan oleh majikan untuk menjadi perantara dalam urusan rasmi mereka. Malah kerana bahasa Inggeris juga, kemahiran saya dalam penulisan bahasa Melayu bertambah baik. Jadi apa kaitannya dengan visual yang saya tunjukkan di sini? So this is my story...

My point is simple, never discriminate languages. If English is the world first language, take the chance & learn from it. Don't fool yourself, I know that you can never forget your own (mother tongue) language (unless your ego does!), but who knows you may well expand it for the world to listen & understand what is 'Terima Kasih'! Just like how you might never know maybe English can really make me what the video visualize of me once we reach year 2020. It doesn't cost a penny just by dreaming you know. So be it!

EMAK MENULIS NAMAKU... YOUR.

Ayour adalah nama komersilku dalam bidang penulisan & semenjak menjadi seorang penulis profesional, tiada siapa rakan baruku di Kuala Lumpur lali dengan nama panggilanku yang sebenar semenjak kecil. Malah ada yang menyebutnya salah, juga ada yang menulisnya dengan salah. Biarpun arwah emak bukan seorang yang fasih berbahasa Inggeris, apatah lagi menulis dalam bahasa tersebut, namun beliau tidak gagal menulis nama panggilanku dengan betul biarpun disaat-saat akhir kehidupannya. Kerana itulah nama panggilan yang akan menjadikan diriku selain nama yang tertulis di dalam surat beranak...

Emak bilang aku sendiri yang menggelarkan diriku YOUR semenjak mula pandai berkata-kata. Dari mana aku dapat idea untuk memanggil diri dengan nama YOUR dan ditulis sedemikian rupa, emak sendiri tidak pasti. Namun... YOUR atau AYOUR, keduanya nama panggilan yang kekal istimewa buat diri ini, seistimewanya namaku sebagai FAKHRUL ANOUR.

YOUR... 

AYOUR... 

FAKHRUL ANOUR... 

diriku seadanya!

LOVE MYSELF THE BEST DEAL

a friend now from far distance once told me...

You know, you are an achiever. No matter how deep you fell, and how many time I saw you fell, until today I can only see you rise and achieve. Even now, most of us think you're a failure for having so much plan, yet none of us believe what we are saying about you as a failure is true. You know why? Because whenever we think of what you have done so far and so true, is real!

You hated school, you hated boarding school! You hated all the rules at school until you were depressed that you had to succumb with it. You hated the social lifestyle at school, you said it was so childish! Funny how you hated all of that but still you made a lot friends and everybody loves you. Even what is so surprise about you.... you're a degree holder.

I never imagine you as a sport man. I never thought of you as being tough, a track runner or even a strong spiker of volleyball. I remember how you complaint about those coaches who believed you could be at the first spot in sports when you yourself didn't believe your own power. You said you hated them for believing in what you didn't believe. You hated sports and its rules yet you followed, became the vice president of a sport association and here I'm looking at a sporty guy... still looks young and healthy. Now I can imagine why everytime you play at the court with new friends, none of them believe you're sporty until you proved them wrong, because you're sporty for yourself, right?

I never believe you can make people believe you could represent school or campus or Malaysia in anything, but you did. You even made your employers proud of having you and funny how to say this... you even represent Malaysia to talk about the subject you love so much, comic in culture growth to 13 delegates of Asian countries. I heard you even got invited to their countries to talk about your subject but you hate flying, you hate to confirm the fact that you hated to stand at the podium standing like a politician. I know how much you hated looking at the crowd, to the people who are listening to you and wonder maybe one or two of them had a point to use you for their own personal profit while taking you for granted. I know how you hate people's perception can do wrong to what's so right about you.

You hate love affair but funny how you had so much experience with it yet you've become stronger at every heartbreak.

Why are you still doing what you hate of doing?

So I answered him this...

"To do what I love doing, I have to be at any situation I don't like. I love drawing comics and I love writing stories about life, my dream is only these two, those talents are my life. Where in this world can I be at a place I like? Except if I can be with my talents. So if holding a degree can make me wiser with my talents, I have to do it. If being active in sports can make me brighter with my talents, why waste it. If sharing with others about my talents can do them good, why should I shy away about it. If love is what makes me loyal to my talents, why bother for being heartbroken? My point is simple, to hate everything is to love one thing... myself. Sounds selfish? Well, that's how I love everything instead of hate."