"It's only through writing that I've ever been able to suppress life's personal disappointments. When I can't write I feel anxious and out of sorts and am easily riled, though I'm usually able to control my emotions..."
- Pramoedya Ananta Toer (The Mute's Soliloquy: A Memoir)
["Hanya dengan menulis aku mampu menekan segala kekecewaan peribadi hidup. Bila aku tidak menulis, aku merasa cemas & tidak keruan serta mudah gusar, walau selalunya aku bisa mengawal emosiku..."]

Sunday, May 9, 2010


Since my mother passed away, everything she told me to be aware of finally surfaced and my moment to really resemble her favorite gemstone should have started once she took her final breath. But I didn’t remember me as my mother’s pearl, not until last Friday night (7th May 2010) when I won a pearl necklace from Rafflesia worth RM1000 in lucky draw contest during Media Prima Costume Party at Dorsett Hotel. It didn’t take second for me to be reminded of my mother when the lady who handed me the gift said “Hadiahkan kat mak sempena Hari Ibu (Give it to your mom for Mother’s Day).” as I said nothing on reply. Then followed by a performance of media group sang a song titled ‘Pergi’, dedicated to our love one who just passed away. It was hard for me to hold my tears so I made an excuse to go for a smoke when exactly I cried unashamedly somewhere no one can obviously see.

Me and my mother, we never really celebrated special occasions such as Mother’s Day or even birthday. Our best occasion would be when we got to spend some moment together arguing over silly matters. She said I was her best argue partner which I took it seriously offensive until I grew up and kept arguing with my first love over silly matters too. But at the end of the day, the cause of the argument was blamed on me and they would smile and love me even more… which left me clueless. Again my mother would look at me and said Tak dapat beli mutiara tulen pun takperlah, mutiara sorang ni pun dah cukup berharga (I don’t mind if I can’t afford to buy pure pearl, this one pearl is more than valuable).”

My mother really fancied pearl more than any other gemstone because she said it resembles me, her only child. Though the fact was she already fancied pearl before even I was born, so I guess my birth was the day she had the most valuable pearl ever exist in the world. She told me, when I came out I didn’t even cry until later (cried to be breastfed) and my skin was silky white just like a pearl. I thought diamond or any other sparkling gemstones was woman’s best friend, so my mother’s taste over pearls became my cynical joke whenever she wore those fake white bubbles as her necklace. Because during that time none of us could afford to buy pure pearl and some more it was hard to really find certified pure pearl.

When my father was taken away from her in 2004 by step family, my life was all about her for me to thoroughly understand as how I had to understand her decision to take care of her dementia husband years before. With me when it came to her making decision, no matter what was the argument I just had to obey or else I would end up feeling guilty. Especially when her decision came right after she being turn down by her own political movement over betrayal from a family she trusted most. But her decision to have my father stayed with us was my biggest fear in life because that was the moment I would be on my own.

My mother’s love for my father always something I could never understand even after she passed away. Because of him I felt like I am not totally loved by my mother, as compared to him, I was always with her and gave myself to be unfairly treated in order to relieve her pain. Which there were times during my childhood, made me wonder if I was really her child or just an impression of her man?

But throughout my life, it was my mother who made me a pure pearl. Though how difficult I had to understand her, that difficulty has become my priority to make her proud so others could see that she was not a failure in raising a child. Even that child had to cross over muddy roads, fields full of human shits and a broken heart. I love my mother so much even throughout her life with me; we hardly spoke of anything personal but argument over other people’s perception over us. Sometimes I wondered if my mother really knew me or she just knew me as her precious pearl.
During her final months before she passed away, finally I opened up to her about matter I always wished she gave me the right answer. Something she knew all along yet she didn’t care to explain or made me understand how to live through it, even when I told her I was raped. Her replied was the same; my fault.

It didn’t occur to me why since my mother passed away, Rafflesia is not far from my view. I told my mother if I happened to fulfill my 10 years career target, I would buy her pearls from Rafflesia. For a woman who lived up her life adoring pearls, the existence of Rafflesia had become her attention to reach for at least a certified pearl.

Sadly she had to leave sooner for the pain she held in her is far greater than watching her precious pearl shine like pearls at Rafflesia. Now I know why all of sudden I received a chocolate cake from Rafflesia during I needed at least a simple beautiful surprise when everything around me seemed to ignore my pain. Then it didn’t end there when followed by a few clients invitation connected with the brand. Finally out of many prizes for lucky draw, Rafflesia necklace pearl is now in my keep. Though I never met with the Rafflesia’s owners or even have close relation with anyone there, I believe this is His way of telling me that my mother will always be my angel from a distance; as how she always while she was alive.

For Mother’s Day 2010, I would like to share with you who read this note to always look up to your mother like how she looks up to you, or else make her proud no matter how bad she treated you. Because a perfect mother holds much more fear in her than any of us as a child can imagine.

Throughout her life, I didn’t regret even one bit of our bad moments together or seeing leaving me so soon. Because at the end of her life, I know she had forgive me since she gave birth to me and I’d already told her never to worry about me because I am stronger than her. Yet I forgot to tell her during her last breath, I will always be your precious pearl like how grateful I am to have you as my pearl in the keep of my father’s heart. That was why she left me a poem mentioned how sometimes she hardly knew me because I was asking for question I should have known the answer… I AM A PEARL.


Latipi @ Ziyad said...


403 Forbidden: Rin aka Remy Le Beau said...

I wish I had treated my mother well though our relationship wasn't a good one.

Al fatihah.

Sarah Joan Mokhtar said...

Very touching. You still feel her love even now :) You are only separated physically, they day will come when you are united again. I'm sure she would be proud of you :)

Fakhrul 'Ayour' Anour said...

Rin: There were many moments, me & my mom argue abt so many things. There were times I wished she stopped asking me to do things her way, but I never raised my voice in front of her... just face expression & silly voices. Haha! We also talked behind each others back. Yet... at the end of the day, we realized we both made mistake for being that way. Coz we were just us & sorry came easy always. ^_^

Sarah: That's the thing, since she passed away... I feel like whatever I do or decide, I'm bless. Maybe her prayer keeps me safe, anyway... alive or not, her love stays close to my heart coz she have me forever. Alhamdulillah... ^_^

Anonymous said...

:') got tears in my eyes...

Zedgob is speechless, or should i write typeless?

my dear Ayour, dont worry, you will always be your mother's pearl.. And u r even better than that.

p/s: Singlet ko dah jadi pekasam

Fakhrul 'Ayour' Anour said...

Zedgob... TQ! ^_^

I'm no better than my mother's pearl. Becoz that's more than better to me. ^_^

P/S: Biarlah singlet tu... bukan apa pun. Kenangan semalam jehhhh!

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