"It's only through writing that I've ever been able to suppress life's personal disappointments. When I can't write I feel anxious and out of sorts and am easily riled, though I'm usually able to control my emotions..."
- Pramoedya Ananta Toer (The Mute's Soliloquy: A Memoir)
["Hanya dengan menulis aku mampu menekan segala kekecewaan peribadi hidup. Bila aku tidak menulis, aku merasa cemas & tidak keruan serta mudah gusar, walau selalunya aku bisa mengawal emosiku..."]

Monday, May 31, 2010


Oh my…
You’re such a perfect being,
Your good look mesmerizes me,
Your charm amazes me,
Your figure makes me want to do you,
But you are just not right for me.

Oh my…
You’re such a perfect being,
Your voice freezes me whenever you speak,
Your every word just feels so right to my ears,
Your sound melts me even when it seems so wrong,
You have a natural audio that makes me mourn,
But you are just not right for me.

Oh my…
You’re such a perfect being,
Everywhere I turn reminds me of you,
I wake up in the morning it’s all about you,
Before I go to sleep it’s you I want to dream,
Hang in at home I wish you are here,
Hang out with friends it’s you I want more,
I don’t want to miss a thing about you,
But you are just not right for me.

Oh my…
You’re such a perfect being,
But you are just not perfect to be with me,
Forgive me for dreaming of you…
My friend


Aku berkerdip kala disinari cahaya semesta,
namun bukan untukmu,
Tinggiku jauh nun di langit tinggi,
Namun tidak sejauh aku denganmu.

Aku bukan bintangmu…
Kerana aku adalah cintamu.

Tempatku dekat di hatimu,
Tidak ku perlu kerdip sinar semesta,
Kerana kilauan ku sentiasa di sisimu,
Ingatlah sayang…
Aku bukan bintangmu.

Friday, May 28, 2010


I knew we had it,
I know now that I have it,
I didn't know she had been with me,
I do know I have been with you ever since.

I love you when others thought I love her,
I love you no matter what they say it is her,
I love you more the more I thought of her,
I love you every second when my heart beats for her.

Someone told me you are not meant for me,
While others told me she meant so much for me,
But everybody thinks I should stop hoping for you,
Because all the eyes see how perfect I am with her.

My darling,
This is the moment you have to say it,
Say you love me before my love turns to her,
Say you love me after I apologize to her,
Say my love before your heart turns cold with me.

A day is like a year without you saying a word to me,
A year passes like a day whenever she is around me,
A lifetime feels like forever hoping you will come to me,
Forever is like never waiting for her to love me.

My love,
Don’t wait till the moment I have to say…
I love you forever but it is her who loves me a lifetime,
I love you endlessly but she who pronounces it to me,
I do love you but if she who says I love you before you,
Let bygones be bygones for our love will never gone.
You and her, near or far…
Two of a kind…

Sunday, May 23, 2010


To all my dearest friends & fans,

Since I was very young until I passed my teenage years, drawing comic has become my very close friend to express my feeling, thought & loneliness. Then when I started a career in Malaysia Comic Industry, comic has become something more than just personal to me—it has become my only source of income that’s involved business. But the beginning of my career in the industry didn’t turned out as I expected, instead of being a comic artist I’ve become a writer for the industry itself. My job mainly focuses on my editorial skill to speak accordingly about the comic industry, from local to global. Yet I still have my chance to draw comic as a freelancer but it didn’t do any good as I grow wiser; my strength, purpose & will drained out as my energy started to weaken because of multiple tasks I had to commit for the industry in such a way.

After my late mother was diagnosed cancer final stage early September 2009, my purpose to move on doing what I do best meant nothing anymore & all I ever wanted was an escape. She was the first reason why I didn’t break down heavily throughout the years of my multi-tasking career. Yet when I found out behind her back that she had cancer stage 4, I was nothing but empty. I locked myself in my room for a day felt totally blank.

Money was never my first worry in life because she always reminded me not to be afraid of it because with your strength, money we can conquer. But it was a total loneliness what I was afraid of! Because so far in my life, the only person I would call for no reason was her. The only person I would worry if the phone was not picked up was her. The only person I was not ashamed to be pampered was her & the reason for who I am as how you know of me today, was her. All of sudden, she gone too soon & no way I could communicate with her anymore through phone or face to face.

Since little my life is all about have fun with life while reaching for my dream & I had 2 dreams; first a dream that I wish to be & second a dream I wish not to be. Now I’ve completely got both of the dreams; a dream to be acceptable in the Malaysia Comic Industry & totally alone walking this earth without someone my heart can count intimately personal.

Still NO REGRET, we are not alone & I am not alone because I still have friends around, offline or online. But most importantly I still have myself who is able to let go of my ego, especially during my crucial financial instability. As my late mother used to say to me, with my strength, money we can conquer. So I will let my strength judge my will to survive & by doing so, I’m going back to my close friend—drawing comic, a strength that has been in me since I was little.

All I need now is patience & courage, so if you find me running slower than you’ve ever seen me running for the past 10 years in the industry, it is because I am testing my patience & courage. If 10 years ago I start in the industry as ‘THE RIGHT KIND OF WRONG’ personality, now I want to restart again for being ‘THE WRONG KIND OF RIGHT’… as a freelance comic artist begin with no other than GEMPAK STARZ™, one place I can never surrender.

Thank you for the past 10 years & forward… ^_^

"DUDE... AM I GAY?!"

During my crucial moments faced my mother's death, FACEBOOK had been my closest friend & without doubt everyone in it, now & then. As gratitude over such a unique friendship networking system, I've decided to place my personal comic strips to be enjoyed by my friends in my FACEBOOK. Something I call as my 'MOTIVATION JUNKY' in drawing comic. ^_^

Sunday, May 9, 2010


Since my mother passed away, everything she told me to be aware of finally surfaced and my moment to really resemble her favorite gemstone should have started once she took her final breath. But I didn’t remember me as my mother’s pearl, not until last Friday night (7th May 2010) when I won a pearl necklace from Rafflesia worth RM1000 in lucky draw contest during Media Prima Costume Party at Dorsett Hotel. It didn’t take second for me to be reminded of my mother when the lady who handed me the gift said “Hadiahkan kat mak sempena Hari Ibu (Give it to your mom for Mother’s Day).” as I said nothing on reply. Then followed by a performance of media group sang a song titled ‘Pergi’, dedicated to our love one who just passed away. It was hard for me to hold my tears so I made an excuse to go for a smoke when exactly I cried unashamedly somewhere no one can obviously see.

Me and my mother, we never really celebrated special occasions such as Mother’s Day or even birthday. Our best occasion would be when we got to spend some moment together arguing over silly matters. She said I was her best argue partner which I took it seriously offensive until I grew up and kept arguing with my first love over silly matters too. But at the end of the day, the cause of the argument was blamed on me and they would smile and love me even more… which left me clueless. Again my mother would look at me and said Tak dapat beli mutiara tulen pun takperlah, mutiara sorang ni pun dah cukup berharga (I don’t mind if I can’t afford to buy pure pearl, this one pearl is more than valuable).”

My mother really fancied pearl more than any other gemstone because she said it resembles me, her only child. Though the fact was she already fancied pearl before even I was born, so I guess my birth was the day she had the most valuable pearl ever exist in the world. She told me, when I came out I didn’t even cry until later (cried to be breastfed) and my skin was silky white just like a pearl. I thought diamond or any other sparkling gemstones was woman’s best friend, so my mother’s taste over pearls became my cynical joke whenever she wore those fake white bubbles as her necklace. Because during that time none of us could afford to buy pure pearl and some more it was hard to really find certified pure pearl.

When my father was taken away from her in 2004 by step family, my life was all about her for me to thoroughly understand as how I had to understand her decision to take care of her dementia husband years before. With me when it came to her making decision, no matter what was the argument I just had to obey or else I would end up feeling guilty. Especially when her decision came right after she being turn down by her own political movement over betrayal from a family she trusted most. But her decision to have my father stayed with us was my biggest fear in life because that was the moment I would be on my own.

My mother’s love for my father always something I could never understand even after she passed away. Because of him I felt like I am not totally loved by my mother, as compared to him, I was always with her and gave myself to be unfairly treated in order to relieve her pain. Which there were times during my childhood, made me wonder if I was really her child or just an impression of her man?

But throughout my life, it was my mother who made me a pure pearl. Though how difficult I had to understand her, that difficulty has become my priority to make her proud so others could see that she was not a failure in raising a child. Even that child had to cross over muddy roads, fields full of human shits and a broken heart. I love my mother so much even throughout her life with me; we hardly spoke of anything personal but argument over other people’s perception over us. Sometimes I wondered if my mother really knew me or she just knew me as her precious pearl.
During her final months before she passed away, finally I opened up to her about matter I always wished she gave me the right answer. Something she knew all along yet she didn’t care to explain or made me understand how to live through it, even when I told her I was raped. Her replied was the same; my fault.

It didn’t occur to me why since my mother passed away, Rafflesia is not far from my view. I told my mother if I happened to fulfill my 10 years career target, I would buy her pearls from Rafflesia. For a woman who lived up her life adoring pearls, the existence of Rafflesia had become her attention to reach for at least a certified pearl.

Sadly she had to leave sooner for the pain she held in her is far greater than watching her precious pearl shine like pearls at Rafflesia. Now I know why all of sudden I received a chocolate cake from Rafflesia during I needed at least a simple beautiful surprise when everything around me seemed to ignore my pain. Then it didn’t end there when followed by a few clients invitation connected with the brand. Finally out of many prizes for lucky draw, Rafflesia necklace pearl is now in my keep. Though I never met with the Rafflesia’s owners or even have close relation with anyone there, I believe this is His way of telling me that my mother will always be my angel from a distance; as how she always while she was alive.

For Mother’s Day 2010, I would like to share with you who read this note to always look up to your mother like how she looks up to you, or else make her proud no matter how bad she treated you. Because a perfect mother holds much more fear in her than any of us as a child can imagine.

Throughout her life, I didn’t regret even one bit of our bad moments together or seeing leaving me so soon. Because at the end of her life, I know she had forgive me since she gave birth to me and I’d already told her never to worry about me because I am stronger than her. Yet I forgot to tell her during her last breath, I will always be your precious pearl like how grateful I am to have you as my pearl in the keep of my father’s heart. That was why she left me a poem mentioned how sometimes she hardly knew me because I was asking for question I should have known the answer… I AM A PEARL.


"His mother is dead; who else he has in this world except himself. He even avoided his relatives. This is the right moment! Always a person who suddenly in a total loss of someone he mostly dear & trust with his life, that person is totally clueless to move on. Right now, he's looking for a moral & financial support to continue living. Especially when he has everything we need while he has nothing. Let’s give it to him, let’s lure him to our dungeon so he can be in our command forever!"

Does that dialogue sounds familiar to you? Well, not exactly the same but this is what happen when you thought you know and own everything in your circle of life by playing God. The truth is you’re just like any other human beings who trap in their own pride and prejudice.

The fact is you're not God and you know nothing of what really happen behind your back unless you turn to see it for yourself. Same goes when you're judging friends all around you, not everyone is saying what they really are.

“Maybe you’re speaking from your experience of judging others but you’ll never know maybe they’ve already surpass it when you are about to share the similarity.”

Now hold on a second, before you make any assumption of what I am writing about. This has nothing to do with my decision to resign from being Chief Editor of GEMPAK STARZ™ or anything related to my career propaganda made by rumors. I am writing about human connection here and yes it does relate to people at work, but it has nothing to do with my decision to resign (sooner or later it will happen so it happen now).

The point that I am trying to stress here is about certain people behavior that has been blinded by their own heart and mind toward someone else they’ve known for so long. By all means, their over judgment has misled their own faith until what’s craving in them now is holding on to their last drop of dignity. I have no doubt anyone who read this and tend to see it as crappy issue has just fit them in this category.

Pretend like you know nothing of what I am talking about and came out with a reply “Really?!”, tomorrow when you wake up in the morning tell me if you can find traces of truth in your face.

Remember, I am not interested to be a part of your emotional game when you are not interested in mine. Lately my victory is not about making decision to resign from the editorial department, but overcome my heart that was painfully yearned for a love I didn’t again expected when I first fall in love many years ago. Best part, the love is still there but it’s not my pain anymore.

“Because your biggest challenge in life is not about you knowing others so well to own their heart, it is about how well you know your own heart to start knowing others.”

Sunday, May 2, 2010

On Saturday (1st May 2010) evening after almost a year, I had decided to visit my favorite comic bookstore, Kinokuniya KLCC. With limited amount of cash, I planned to buy at least one comic book without considering any specific target of title. Kinokuniya has changed so much especially the tag price—a little bit more expensive than I used to budget. I browsed every shelf at the comic section and none interest me because either the price was not in my budget or the arts didn't caught my interest.

Then I saw this manwha because the art blindly caught my attention & once I saw the content arts, without hesitation I bought it. Back at home, I spend sometime to read it & to my surprise this is something I'm looking for in a comic for love genre of pretty boys.

I know it was a FATE during the random searched that my instinct yearned me to get it. The story line's theme almost the exact same with what I'm planning for my personal upcoming international comic project (hopefully for 2011-2012 release). Here I am proudly think that I was the pioneer for such theme, unexpectedly it has been created by Hee Jung Park.

If you're quite aware of this blog fully—you may passed through a few written poems, short stories, journals and comic teasers I did with similar theme; Pretty Boys' dilemma. Many stories about pretty boys always relate to homosexual issues, but this one will mislead you. This is exactly what I want others to know; not all pretty boys (naturally) are meant to be homosexual, metro sexual, heterosexual or whatever sexual you can think of, it is because they are LOVE. How so much others misinterpret their look, that's how much they grow to be wiser than their look & the truth about them will only mean heartbroken for others.

I love this part of quotation, really really true! Take my advice friends... you can fool yourself about your own feeling, but forever that feeling will haunt you until you confess.

This part is almost the same how my late mother used to say to her brothers & sisters every time they advice her to be very careful of my future. Sometimes when they love you so much, they will try every possible way to protect you without even thinking they are exactly caging you. That's because they love you in selfish way. But I was lucky, my late mother raised me with real love; a love with no boundaries & no matter what you do, everyone will look the same to you. I love you so much, Allahyarhamha Sa'dah bte. Hj Fadhil!