"It's only through writing that I've ever been able to suppress life's personal disappointments. When I can't write I feel anxious and out of sorts and am easily riled, though I'm usually able to control my emotions..."
- Pramoedya Ananta Toer (The Mute's Soliloquy: A Memoir)
["Hanya dengan menulis aku mampu menekan segala kekecewaan peribadi hidup. Bila aku tidak menulis, aku merasa cemas & tidak keruan serta mudah gusar, walau selalunya aku bisa mengawal emosiku..."]

Friday, July 16, 2010

L.I.F.E: It will never heal

Yesterday I had a good time reading a material about L.I.F.E. from one of my favorite new writer, Igniz & I should have done it earlier but not everything is good to be so early. So today I've marked myself to start preparing my first march of L.I.F.E. after my mother (Allahyarhamha Sa'adah bte. Hj Fadhil) passed away almost a year ago.

People always say try to let go by saying "She's gone & you're here!” But those people are totally unaware of what they thought they know. They must have thought I am like many other child who were disobedient to their mother. Well they are wasted so I have no right to explain them the complexity of relationship between me & my late mother. She knew it & I know it, we had to struggle to be a part of this living world. We were abandoned, we were wasted yet we live long enough to change our path & destiny.

I maybe won't be living long enough to appreciate life like many others can, because as so far my instinct told me right about everything else, I guess it won't tell me wrong about what I am about to gain & lost if I strive fair enough to achieve my goal. The sign is simple; big gain, big lost & it's all happen only in your heart, nothing's material.

So today I sign on each & every one of you my friends, my mother survived her life without the full care of a loving husband to lean on when she needed a shoulder to cry on. She hardly did that to me because she didn't want her only child to bear the cost of her futile life, but I hold her heart so great that even today whatever about me is all about her. She had to work everything by herself; her pain, her sorrow, her grieve & her depression but yet those who met her would never missed a smile of love from her. For those who never met her, look at me because I am now naturally her but with better option.

Life is no certainty my friends yet what certain is you who is still breathing right now. Stop breathing & you wish you are breathing, but when breathing you wish you’re not breathing. How pathetic is your life! So change that by stop talking about self-sympathy especially those who always want to be a part of big family & those who always yearn for loving attention yet still bullshitting about other people’s life with disgrace.

All I need you to know is that, for a moment look at yourself as a human being who has a heart & soul to believe. We are all God's creation, nature's belief & one thing you'll never know is to look at yourself then tell a person beside you why there's a womb that wound yet can still have another baby & wound again. But there's a womb that had a baby & wound forever?

My call is simple, I’m just doing my job as a human being & what have you? Missing a lost mother is not bad afterall especially when you have her heart inside you forever. No matter what race, religion or way of living you're in, if you treasure your mother more than anything else in the world. Once she left, she'll pass you her strength & pray for you forever till the afterlife. Best said... thinking of her love will make you cry occasionally but not her death. That's when you know you are your mother's soul & pride.

Sincerely Your…

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