"It's only through writing that I've ever been able to suppress life's personal disappointments. When I can't write I feel anxious and out of sorts and am easily riled, though I'm usually able to control my emotions..."
- Pramoedya Ananta Toer (The Mute's Soliloquy: A Memoir)
["Hanya dengan menulis aku mampu menekan segala kekecewaan peribadi hidup. Bila aku tidak menulis, aku merasa cemas & tidak keruan serta mudah gusar, walau selalunya aku bisa mengawal emosiku..."]

Thursday, July 15, 2010

L.I.F.E: I begin...

Thursday (15th July 2010)

It has been a month & 2 days I pursue my life as a freelancer. Nothing much, nothing less those days were just nothing but reorganizing my life or sorting things I can do for my future intake in pursuing my career as a professional comic artist. Yet nothing comes right as I was twirling with my emotion over what is best rephrase as ‘I’m fighting with winds’.

My point is I’ve made mistake because I didn’t cherish whatever or whoever I have right now… that was why I didn’t find the thing that I’ve been looking for. Funny how a professional person as me who made a lot of best decisions for the industry & titled as Mr. Knows-Everything (by the writer) in the end got caught up in something I should have known yet feel strange once it happens again… for real. As Eve used to say “You don’t know or you can’t remember? It must have been a very long time ago, right? You’ve got everything now, easily, that’s why you’ve forgotten the word ‘appreciation’.”

It’s almost a year since my mother passed away, today considered the day before days I was about to face my beloved mother with stage four cancer of Advcanced Hilar Cholangiocarcinoma. Then a few weeks later on 29th August 2009, she passed away & left me with an empty heart. I was lucky to be raise by a great mother who taught me well about pulling my own strength to the maximum if happen she passes away before I am ready. But I didn’t know she also prayed for another strength to come my way if happens my strength isn’t enough for one soul to remain in balance.

The day I was about to lose my balance was the day a new strength came unnoticed. I almost forgot I was all alone against this world. It didn’t occur to me since then I had been busy playing love & emotion in my new playground. It all appeared so blissfully; the person, the creativity, the decision, and the coincidence, but by the end of it… I wanted a let go, an escape. I thought it was wrong but it has made me the right person again—I’m a great person now because I know I was back to who I was before my heart broke by my first beloved in early 1995 that had made me like a fallen angel—from light to dark.

I’m a person of instinct & I believe in Him always. Inside of me, I never feel lost though in reality to others, I’m like a lost person. It is because for so many years my heart has been broken but my strength is not. Yet I’m still a human & if an angel can be destine to fall, what is there compares to me.

The weather has been so unpredictable for so many months now, there are times it rains when I was crying & there are times the sun shines beautifully when I smiled upon what my heart yearning for me to believe. I didn’t take the sign seriously because I was still the human with a broken heart. As the Oldman said “The sun is beautiful when it rises… may be blocked by the clouds during the day… maybe not… but it will always be as beautiful as it was in the morning… when it decides to set…”

Today I must admit, I didn’t lie to the person that I’ve read it but I just didn’t say that I haven’t finish reading it. Since I got it, I only read the first part of it then I kept myself busy wandering around my new L.I.F.E. Then as I pulled myself away from the bonding chemistry, I was letting more pain in me but a new chemistry appeared occasionally to heal the pain. Maybe my life was too good that I forgot to struggle for something that feels so good, as the Oldman said again “The clouds… they will halt you from seeing what you wanted to see… they will keep you in the dark. But soon, when you’ve waited long enough… the clouds will go away… and you will be seeing the beauty that you, young man, has been missing. I’m 70; I have seen enough clouds and what lie behind them…”

To those who follow this, I confirm to you that each content that I stated down in this blog are like my notes as reference for my upcoming plan in whatever work I’m going to do as a professional comic artist. Though at the moment I’m busy working on a few projects for the local industry, what I have plan for something big lies in this manuscript about L.I.F.E by a young talented new local writer, a great soul that I will mention the name once I get it all done in a proper plan.

'VAMP Project' can be halt, but I will not die in peace if knowing this story about L.I.F.E. doesn’t reach to so many souls through my artwork even if I have to beg the writer to choose me… only me to illustrate!

Sincerely Your...

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