"It's only through writing that I've ever been able to suppress life's personal disappointments. When I can't write I feel anxious and out of sorts and am easily riled, though I'm usually able to control my emotions..."
- Pramoedya Ananta Toer (The Mute's Soliloquy: A Memoir)
["Hanya dengan menulis aku mampu menekan segala kekecewaan peribadi hidup. Bila aku tidak menulis, aku merasa cemas & tidak keruan serta mudah gusar, walau selalunya aku bisa mengawal emosiku..."]

Sunday, October 2, 2022

LOVE IN THE FIRST PLACE... (TWISTED LUST!)



Wick asked "Why you love someone who has a cold heart upon you, when there are so many waiting to be loved by you with so much warmth?"

Then Jello answered "It has been so long I didn't know that to love someone is to feel your heart. Not about heating up your body by rubbing skins or deep pleasure of penetrations or wet your lips for each other. Now I really feel my heart with true love, you know. It heats my body without I have to do any of that sexual intercourse. I don't know what will really happens if we both jump to such intercourse. Without mutual understanding, having that is not a good move. It'll make me go crazy forever! Even a minor touch of our skins shivered me to scare. How's that? Isn't that lovely?"

With a smile so wide, Wick replied "O My God... you're back! The real you. I should thank this someone for bringing you back to life and turns you into an angel again!"

Jello said "I guess you better don't... we're not even talking to each other now, unless for work matters. He's blocking my way for an approach... I guess he's already moved on after I left him cold for quiet sometimes, just because I need to understand if this love is for real or just another walk in the mud."

Wick in silence for a while. 

Then he asked "Maybe he wanted you to convince him? Do that... You know what, Jello? Since your heart being broken by your first love many years ago, all I see was a cold blooded beautiful Queen who like to sit alone at her throne ordering zinger burgers (crispy chicken's meat smashed in a bun cut in half) from KFC just to fill your empty stomach so you don't get cold, but your heart... not functioning and rusty! You're like Madonna who sang love songs like a slut, or maybe Beyoncé, the lady who rules bikinis on stage, not by the pool singing all her 'lady independence songs'. So wrong fixation there!"

With eyes wide opened, Jello was surprised to hear what Wick has described her. In a moment she sighed, as if to agree such descriptions but then she knew how love has changed her definitely.

"Wick, I don't want to be in the wrong fixation anymore. I don't want to heat my body with sexual intercourse anymore, I don't want to be Madonna, Beyoncé, Paris Hilton, Lady Gaga or whoever ladies wearing 'pajamas on stage' or wearing 'suits that doesn't fit the party'. I don't mind listening to their songs but not their performances. It hurts me a lot to watch bitches wiggling their naked booties for the crowd of strangers to cheer. I just want to be a lover for love, not lust... this kind of love wakes me from slumber; sex sobriety!"

"Even when he blocks your way to him?" Wick asked politely.

"He's blocking but not me... He knows I'm in love with him, but maybe he's just not ready to fall for people like me. So I open my heart to love, not to hate, or lust and moves on... yes, you should thank him. If God granted me the love once again though in the eyes of someone else, maybe He's telling me there's always another chance."

"I'm so jealous..." said Wick.

"Heh... because I don't fall for you?" asked Jello with her sweet giggle.

"Jello... I wonder why God didn't permit you to fall in love with me?"

"Wick, when we both started knowing each other, we both were real sluts. We care for each other but we still fucked around. Then you gave up and got stuck with this rich lady. Then you told me to find a rich man but I wished to find true love... so I didn't. you said that was rubbish. True love is rubbish... you said it."

"I know..."

"Now, I guess I'm more happy than you, Wick... "

"I know..."

"You're dead but I'm alive... "

"I know..."

"You should have not surrendered yourself to that fucking lady in the first place, my man... not for the money."

"I know..."

"If you're alive right now and this man is blocking my way to him, let me tell you this... I always look up to you for my another chance. I really am... but... "

Jello couldn't continue as she started crying.

Wick was speechless... though he's physically not there with Jello, but his soul craving to hug the crying Jello and gave her a warm feeling she always wanted.

But what's done is done... death is the end to a physical connection, but never to love emotion. 

At this moment Wick finally realized, it's hard to say 'I love you' to someone when you're just an imagination to her mind. Although you wanted to say you're real but without being physically there... your words are just her imaginations and your love is just another of her twisted mind... many called it.

On the spot Wick prayed to God "Please let the man open his way so Jello can get in..."

No comments: