"It's only through writing that I've ever been able to suppress life's personal disappointments. When I can't write I feel anxious and out of sorts and am easily riled, though I'm usually able to control my emotions..."
- Pramoedya Ananta Toer (The Mute's Soliloquy: A Memoir)
["Hanya dengan menulis aku mampu menekan segala kekecewaan peribadi hidup. Bila aku tidak menulis, aku merasa cemas & tidak keruan serta mudah gusar, walau selalunya aku bisa mengawal emosiku..."]

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Have U Ever...

Have U Ever...
Crushed down on your knees, crying hard trying to believe if this feeling is true. Each time you feel your heart is in deep pain, holding you from breathing, tears pour heavy that is almost blind you, all you can do is let both hands hold your chest as if it's about to bleed & you beg for mercy from Him...

"Subhanallah, please ease your burden on me for you know I'm so weak when it comes to your gift of one love. If you're telling me I've been unthankful by being cold at heart for the past 2 gifts of one love, Let it be me who take this alone for I don't want anymore heart is deadly broken because of me. Save this gift for someone else if you haven't yet cast a faith on its soul, yet cast doubt on it if You've already did. But if you plan to reward me with a greatest achievement in life by having this test to gain the gift, have mercy on me ya Allah, lead me to a better understanding that my heart does belong to You and You alone faithfully, for this gift of soul to love is a prove of Your love to me. Amin..."

Have U Ever...
Being together in a crowd of friends but all you see is both of you talking to each other without a word. Yet you're trying hard to understand if what you have in mind really speak the other's mind or yours truly to satisfy your own fantasy. You may think what you like to think, but you may go crazy over thinking matters you wish you don't have to think! You for sure know that having 6th sense not exactly means to be understood by one person, so this is obviously means you're not gifted in such a way, but that love maybe is a gift. So there you say a prayer to Him...

"Allahuakbar, life has taken me this far and thanks to You for having me walk this earth this long. Please let me continue my journey for every destiny You have written on me will be taken with no regret. Dear Lord, without doubt it is my duty as your humble servant, even if it's means I have to be Your despicable creation to human beings in order to proclaim Your Truth. But I'm still the weakest among all your other creations, for this humble servant of Yours has a heart to make believe on a mind to calculate logic. Ya Allah, please don't let me fall for a shadow that in the end put me in a fierce battle between my own mind & heart to understand the most simple truth to Your gift, true love. I can manage calculation in maths & get the logic answer, after maybe a few errors, but how can I manage myself to calculate movement & emotion of other person especially when it involves the price of my heart; being taken away? The merciful ya Allah, this heart is Yours & instead of me, You're about to let someone else having it too... I beg You please don't despice me by clouding my mind with a shadow's heart. Forgive me ya Allah & give me the honest confession of a true love. Amin..."

Have U Ever...
Thought this feeling is not right, forbidden and has to be despise by the name of your Creator. Because for a person you love so much, you will sacrifise everything you own even your own heart to break. But then at the end of the day you feel this must be something from God, for the love has changes you towards being a better person, blossoms your heart again after the biggest lost of your life & pushing it away has caused you undeniably becomes the broken thorn. You are afraid that maybe what you know don't really cover what others know. There are things you can speak for yourself, but there are only others can speak for you... definitely there are things only He can speaks for you, so you pray...

"The Mightiest love ya Allah, there's a thought came into my mind that day during I drove back from swimming that morning. Having sex is like playing in mud with pleasure. It is a dirty pleasure that can rejuvenate your skins to glow & blossom your heart with a climax of personal human connection. But as mud it is, sex is not love and you can have mud everywhere especially where all the pigs will enjoy to play openly. Those who claim love with a price of sexual intercourse without doubt asking me to play in mud that soon will dry up & leaves me with nothing but cracked soil that hopefully can be turn into mud again by water... but this water, instead of making the mud again, it's better to be use for my prayer to You, Dear Lord. For You are my love without mud and if you happen to bless me with a true love, though never in the prescription of knowlegde I seem to know so far, I trust You with such blessing for I know what's pure to Your Love is far pure than what I've known & anything more or less than that, it's a test of life You cast on me. I pray to You, please protect me from being covered with mud all through my life, if this love can helps me wash it away, I have no doubt my pleasure of love will be a secret of You that will protect me from humiliation. Amin..."

**********************************

Have U Ever...
Come to a point that legal marriage, having & raising kids has got nothing to do with mud. For every woman has love to other woman, for every man has love to other man, for every child has love to other child & so all to the living things God created in this world & after... It's all about love. For those who don't believe in love bound to be broken with long term of playing in muddy life; open humiliation that in the end you claim love to be your insecurity without sex involved. Promise good sex will prolong your marriage... guess what, it's time to rephrase. You don't have to sell your sexual ability commercially to gain a partnership of love, because if you believe in love, whatever comes after it will give even a none climax moment a worth pleasure throughout your life. Need to say prayer? Yes you do because He cherishes you with love so He needs to know you are very thankful to Him... like how thankful you are for having someone that suddenly blossom your heart with love & changes everything dark becomes so clear like the blue sky.

So... Have you confessed your love to Him? How about the love He gave to you? Especially the one that has a soul just like you without doubt? So far we maybe satisfy by only confessing to Him that you accept the love, but maybe it's not enough to open the book of trust... therefore make it legal by at least... a confession. Who knows maybe by doing that you can turn a whore into a saint, an evil into an angel... a hater into a lover.

May His blessing always with you & myself too... Amin

No comments: