"It's only through writing that I've ever been able to suppress life's personal disappointments. When I can't write I feel anxious and out of sorts and am easily riled, though I'm usually able to control my emotions..."
- Pramoedya Ananta Toer (The Mute's Soliloquy: A Memoir)
["Hanya dengan menulis aku mampu menekan segala kekecewaan peribadi hidup. Bila aku tidak menulis, aku merasa cemas & tidak keruan serta mudah gusar, walau selalunya aku bisa mengawal emosiku..."]

Monday, May 23, 2011


It is all started with the idea of a headline 'Practically I don't but literally I do', but it took weeks for me to think of an idea of how to elaborate it into words & the relation is love. First of all, I can't think of a way how to begin my word so I begin it with honesty—in this first paragraph—literally a confession of my practical writing.

Friends had been asking me if I ever seriously involved in a love relationship. My answer is "I do!" & it's in the form of present tense so they should have known that I'm still in love. If they wonder "How long has it been?" so my answer will be "It has been more than 20 years—my first love at first sight. We were naturally in love during that every moment we'd been through; every song we heard, every move we made & every word we spoke is ours forever lives—even after we were apart."

I cannot lie to myself that when I'm in love with somebody else, means I'm in love with the first person I fell for. Every detail of how I fell in love with another person, at least the reason had been one or two quality I'd seen on my first.

A few friends advised me "Why look at the past when you can always see what's present?"

My answer would be & will be "We look at the past to value what's present. So when it comes to love I've experienced, it seems no less. You always want more than the less. So you'll know why I'm still in love with my first until now."

"But you can forgive & forget, right?"

"I can forgive but to forget, I don't think anyone can do that unless... (you know what I mean). So I was lucky when I was hit by amnesia back in 1997, I forgot almost all the details about my first & how it felt when we were in love, until I fell in love at first sight again with the second. The detail of how it felt has given back my old soul."

When you're amnesia, in a process of healing, every moment you're in or every person you've met, which or whom can unlock your old memories is consider a gift from heaven. Old friends who told story about your past are consider the angels of your life. So those who helps me to remember, directly or indirectly, will not be taken for granted & will always be in my remembrance—if I have the world today, they will be the first I celebrate. 

But sadly, nobody is able to replace my first love. The feeling & the memory I had with such love, I doubt it can be taken by anybody else. I've tried to believe when I fell in love in such a way again with a different person—the second, maybe the quality is far better than the first. But silly of me to believe love is all about quality, no it's not, exactly it's about memory—the moment of remembrance.

In the end what's left of me is just someone who is literally in love but practically single. Is there hope for another chance with someone new? I believe it is not me to hope for any others as my mind still can clearly picture the first person instead of the second. Though my heart flourishes with love for the second in memory of the first. So what's it going to be? Am I really in love? The answer to the question will be...

"Practically I don't but literally... I do!"

So it seemed with this writing & anything else. Joy to the world!

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