HATI YANG TERTINGGAL (02/03)

Pernah mereka bicara denganku lalu bertanya jika aku punya hati yang tertinggal. Sejenak aku termenung memikirkan maksudnya sebelum menyatakan tiada. Kelmarin persoalan itu kembali menyelusuri seluruh benak kefahamanku, menyedari bahawa ada hati yang tertinggal di diriku. Hati itu khuatir, tidak ku ketahui siapa yang punya, kerana aku masih tercari-cari pemiliknya. Di fikiranku sudah terbayangkan siapa dan nyata bukan yang berhak untuk dimiliki. Lalu aku pula bertanya pada diriku sendiri, bagaimana yang ku terfikirkan tidak lolos untuk menjadi pemiliknya? Sudahku terdaya memikirkan yang berhak namun mana mungkin aku terdaya untuk memaksa jika hakikatnya tidak berhak! Sangat kasihan hati itu, tertinggalnya tiada yang empunya...

HATI YANG TERTINGGAL (01/03)

Salahkah aku bila menarik diri daripada bersekutu denganmu kerana perasaan ini? Tidak salah pada pandanganku, kerana perasaan ini hanya ada padaku dan tiada di dirimu. Sudahku luahkan rasa itu kepadamu namun tiada jawapan sama ku terima. Justeru bagaimana aku perlu rasa bersalah? Aku sendiri tidak tahu jika kau juga menumpang rasa yang sama? Seeloknya usah kita bermasam muka kelak berjumpa jika ada jodohnya, anggap sahaja aku penggodamu yang jahil dan tegurku seperti peminatmu, bukan lebih daripada itu. Aku perlu keyakinan ini untuk meneruskan hidup tanpa dibelenggu rasa benci kepadamu... wahai hati yang tertinggal.

POTRAIT OF A PADAWAN

Every Generation Has A Legend.

Every Journey Has A First Step.

Every Saga Has A Beginning.

— 'Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace'

(written & directed by George Lucas)

PRACTICALLY I DON'T BUT LITERALLY I DO

It is all started with the idea of a headline 'Practically I don't but literally I do', but it took weeks for me to think of an idea of how to elaborate it into words & the relation is love. First of all, I can't think of a way how to begin my word so I begin it with honesty—in this first paragraph—literally a confession of my practical writing.

Friends had been asking me if I ever seriously involved in a love relationship. My answer is "I do!" & it's in the form of present tense so they should have known that I'm still in love. If they wonder "How long has it been?" so my answer will be "It has been more than 20 years—my first love at first sight. We were naturally in love during that every moment we'd been through; every song we heard, every move we made & every word we spoke is ours forever lives—even after we were apart."

I cannot lie to myself that when I'm in love with somebody else, means I'm in love with the first person I fell for. Every detail of how I fell in love with another person, at least the reason had been one or two quality I'd seen on my first.

A few friends advised me "Why look at the past when you can always see what's present?"

My answer would be & will be "We look at the past to value what's present. So when it comes to love I've experienced, it seems no less. You always want more than the less. So you'll know why I'm still in love with my first until now."

"But you can forgive & forget, right?"

"I can forgive but to forget, I don't think anyone can do that unless... (you know what I mean). So I was lucky when I was hit by amnesia back in 1997, I forgot almost all the details about my first & how it felt when we were in love, until I fell in love at first sight again with the second. The detail of how it felt has given back my old soul."

When you're amnesia, in a process of healing, every moment you're in or every person you've met, which or whom can unlock your old memories is consider a gift from heaven. Old friends who told story about your past are consider the angels of your life. So those who helps me to remember, directly or indirectly, will not be taken for granted & will always be in my remembrance—if I have the world today, they will be the first I celebrate. 

But sadly, nobody is able to replace my first love. The feeling & the memory I had with such love, I doubt it can be taken by anybody else. I've tried to believe when I fell in love in such a way again with a different person—the second, maybe the quality is far better than the first. But silly of me to believe love is all about quality, no it's not, exactly it's about memory—the moment of remembrance.

In the end what's left of me is just someone who is literally in love but practically single. Is there hope for another chance with someone new? I believe it is not me to hope for any others as my mind still can clearly picture the first person instead of the second. Though my heart flourishes with love for the second in memory of the first. So what's it going to be? Am I really in love? The answer to the question will be...

"Practically I don't but literally... I do!"

So it seemed with this writing & anything else. Joy to the world!

THROUGH THE LENS OF A WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER

Many years ago I was photographed as a 'runaway' model for a photography student during my degree years that accidently caught me (for not more than three months) in our local modelling industry. It was not a career I happened to like (... & I was not quite a 'sale' to my agency too! :P), but the experience at catwalk & photoshoot, I treasure it until today. Being a model (especially supermodel!), seriously not an easy job. The worse moment when you happened to work under a pain-in-the-ass photographer. I respect those who sustain their capability like forever! Yet I'm happy that I used to be taught how to play my mood on lens. So when a professional photographer suddenly approached me with his 'baby', I immediately striked a pose!

At 36 years old, put on weight, a few weeks off the beauty regime (lazy...), I consider my natural look does gave an advantage to the photographer. Haha! You can reach the photographer on Facebook.  

His name is Faris Zainal, a professional wedding photographer & he happens to be my neighbour. Soon to be a father, we first met on our neighbourhood's volleyball field. None of us knew each other's background until we slowly developed our social interaction as neighbours. As he found out I'm an icon for the Malaysia Comic Industry & I happened to realize he does have a great talent in photography, without doubt, being photographed by him is surely an honor to me.

As he is on plan to go fulltime as a professional photographer, with his Lumix GF1 & its lightbox, he caught me natural on lens & my face purely 'naked'! I mean... really 'sharp' on Friday The 13th or say... I need to start doing facial again. Haha!

AKAR FIKIRANMU

Demam panas Lusida tetap tidak pulih semenjak blog itu tidak dikemas-kini lebih seminggu lalu. Penulis blog tersebut yang menggelar dirinya 'Akar' tidak pernah gagal mengemas-kini blognya hampir setiap hari, paling lewat pun tiga hari. Namun lebih daripada tiga hari membuatkan hidup Lusida tidak keruan. Dia mungkin tidak kenal identiti sebenar Akar, namun hidup Lusida menjadi begitu bermakna semenjak wujudnya blog berjudul 'Akar Fikiranmu' itu. Setiap catatan Akar menjadikan hidup Lusida lebih bererti dan seolah Akar sudah menjadi sebahagian daripada fikirannya.

"Lusida, kau tak boleh terus begini. Aku kena bawa kau pulang kepada orang tuamu sebelum kesihatanmu semakin melarat." Ujar Nasua, teman sekolej juga sekuliahnya di fakulti sains pusat pengajian tinggi Universita Malaya Timur.

"Tidak! Aku akan terus berada di sini sehingga dia kembali mengemas-kini blognya!" Bantah Lusida sambil matanya sesekali memandang ke skrin monitor HD 21" jenama Lenovo yang kekal memaparkan laman blog 'Akar Fikiranmu'.

Nasua mendengus geram setiap kali melihat laman web tersebut. Sungguh tidak masuk akal bagaimana Lusida boleh menjadi begitu taksub dengan blog itu. Siapa Akar sebenarnya? Itu Nasua tidak pasti dan semestinya tidak langsung dikenali.

"Kenapa dia tak update blog dia lagi ya, Nasua?" Tanya Lusida sesekali terbatuk lemah.

"Ada aku peduli?! Aku lebih pedulikan mental kau ni! Pelik aku tengok ketaksuban kau dengan laman blog berpuaka Akar tu! Boleh kau jelaskan kenapa?!"

Lusida terdiam seketika. Tanpa banyak bicara dia segera menyeluk bawah bantal dan menghulurkan sekeping kertas berupa sekeping flyer.

"Flyer ini terselit dalam salah satu buku kuliahku setahun yang lalu. Kemudian aku cari maklumatnya di internet dan terus bersemuka dengan laman blognya. Semenjak itu, mengikuti setiap update-nya seolah sebahagian daripada hidupku, fikirannya adalah akar hidupku kini... "

"Kau memang dah mental-lah, Lusida! Elok aku hantar kau ke hospital sakit jiwa jer!" Bentak Nasua lantas meninggalkan rakannya itu sendirian melayan gilanya sendiri.

LOVE LIKE A GHOST

It took only a second...
That was all it takes for you to haunt me!

It took only a minute...
I've already scared for the rest of my life!

It took only an hour...
I just couldn't get you out of my mind forever!

It took only a day...
Not sure if I missed myself but I'm sure miss you!

It took only a month...
You're everywhere at every corner of my eyes!

It took only a year...
Life has become unreasonable with you in my mind but not at my side!

It takes me forever...
To get you into my life for real when you're just like a ghost who tries to claim something you seem just can't reach unless my soul you seek.

Therefore...
I don't mind being dead for knowing, that in the end, we're just another ghost story if that is all it takes for me to get you into my life for real!